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FIELD NOTES – THE MORE YOU'RE THERE BY KATHY VIK 11-18-13

www.deeplyawake.tumblr.com

There is much to say, here, sitting with you, on my bed, both of us in our jammies, eating our favorite snack, our favorite drink nearby. You and I talk about a lot of stuff, and today, I am telling you about this change I have noticed.

Maybe it was on a facebook poster, I don't know, maybe someone really deep wrote it once on papyrus. Who knows. But I heard “The more time you spend there, the more you're there.” Sort of Ars Gratis Artis, the act is the reward, that sort of thing.

I see how this really is a telescopic thing, a fractal all on its own, the awakening process, at least for me.

My first real encounter with this amazing energy was when I felt gripped and pulled by a breathtaking love, forgiveness so thick I could hardly breathe, and I kept seeing myself go back and forth inside this moving tube of love, of light. It was stunning. I was not only eager but able to, in one shining moment that just kept coming and coming and coming, I could see the benevolence in each moment of my life, the beauty, the symmetry, the love, all the love, all the sacrifice everyone made, all of it there, inside me, but all around me.

As it was happening, I saw, shining and it kept going, once I moved to my room, sitting on my bed, still I could see it, it was just a fact, a galaxy shaped like an eye, red and blue and moving and alive.

This experience faded, and things changed, quite dramatically for me, after that. I had already had a couple big aha! Moments. I knew things were shifting, June of 2011, but my outer life was just about to breakdown, for all time, it would lay defunct, but I carried it along with me, examining it, trying to figure out how it ticked, until 10-31-13, the day I finished Deeply Awake. I had vowed, if I ever got to the place where I had it more of less good within me, I would demonstrate for a couple three essays, and then bag it. Done. Mission accomplished. Mission freakin' accomplished.

But since that time, I have written under “Field Notes,” and I have to admit, they were cryptic, at best, chaotic, unclear, abstracted, highly abstracted. I was scaling the tippy top of a mountain that had been my driving purpose, since sentience, is how I like to put it. Such a need to have these questions satisfied, about it all, and I am glad that I have found answers I can finally live with.

I mean, after all, the seeker would not be the seeker if they were satisfied with the answers they received, right? What makes a person hungry for this information, set on fire the first time they hear a certain word, or hear a certain concept. Distant whispers pulling you into odd conference halls, into the company of other seekers, not rebelling against, but having no interest in conventional answers, conventional stories, conventional questions.

What makes some of us follow the words of those who say that what they are communicating comes from something greater than themselves? And, we know this about ourselves, being told something, and agreeing with it, that's everybody's choice, all down the line. Some agree that this is a valid form of self development, learning from others, allowing others to trigger and learn from and teach, some in the physical, and some are not, and we are ok with this too.

There is a new wind blowing, and it is easy to breathe here, and here is the thing I need to say: the more I have been able to get here, spend time here, the more I am here, and this is a valid pursuit, a beautiful and synchronous and purposeful one. All is in good alignment, in divine timing, with benevolence toward all.

I spent a lot of time, while working on stuff, dwelling on such things as Monsanto, Dems vs. Repubs, aberrant, violent behavior, and I was hung up, really angry about, our surveillance, nanny, distrust-all-with-mercy-toward-none attitude seeming to grip the imaginations of those less willing to see good common sense, and because there was a bully, there was a victim.

And so I wrestled with that thing until I got it winnowed down, and came to understand and master fear. Fear is a test, there to shut you down just as pretty as you please, disconnecting you from all the good sense there is in the world, the obvious truth, that we have clean energy just waiting there to be developed, Agribusiness is in bed with the FDA who is in bed with BigPharma who is in bed with insurers, who are in bed with bankers, who are in bed with our elected officials. There's the food chain. So what. It's all coming down, so, now, I see these fear thoughts come up, about the poison of vaccines and pro or con on providing pretty shitty health care to everybody who will, must go through quite a few unpleasantries, just to get something as basic as getting an arm set if you break it.

It is ridiculous and unkind and corrupt and so over. It is a brutal, disrespectful way to live. Not sharing with others when you are gifted with so much. Shame on those who do not help their neighbor, just the one sitting right across from them. The way of it is to share, to keep currency flowing, to assist when you can, and to see everyone you meet is family, and you don't cheat or lie to family, when you know it'll just bite you on the butt and get found out, anyway.

See, that's where I live now, and in the beginning, it was just now and then, just now and then. I had that big psychedelic thing, and then months passed before another such an event. And those days were spent scraping by, paying bills late, trying to make ends meet, and always, scribbling, scribbling away about how everything is feeling so good, and wanting more than anything, by the act of writing, to prolong that energy, to be in it, understand it as well as I understood futility and despair.

I'll close by revisiting something I have been writing about now for a while, this idea of a group of us, the first wave, here to do this waking up thing, that we are early. A generation or two early for the big reveal, from the looks of it. But there are stirrings, there are stirrings. It's like in March, April, when the ground is warm on the inside, but not on the outside, and there might even be snow still scattered about, but if you put your hand on the earth, in a seam, you can feel it teeming. Just teeming.

Who is the earth, and who is doing the feeling, and what is teeming? These have been valid questions to ask, and to use this forum to answer, I think.

Bashar has a youtube video out about Comparing Yourself To Other People. It's the most profound 15 minutes of audio I have heard in a long time.

What I keep going back to is what he said about agreements. My old teachers always couched things in terms of “agreement fields.” He said, even when you have a similarity with another, it is only because you are agreeing to have those similarities.

And this is what I wish to end on. I think there are more than a few of us, now, who hold agreements which many do not hold, but when we get amongst ourselves, we agree, in principle, to whatever degree of minutia (and there's a ton of it!) on surprisingly core things. Things many of us have held in our deepest hearts and never told another living soul about. And have that happen a few dozen times, and bam, there you are.

I have thought since the beginning that there is some weird sort of joke being played out, one that I am telling, and it has always been a bit of a knee slapper, my life, let's be honest. For all the boo hooing I've done, it's been a pretty cool one. At least, that's the one I remember more and more, now. The old horrors and sadnesses are there, but I'm not as interested.

I worked really hard at figuring out a way to maintain the levels of ecstasy I've briefly experienced. I believe, since that last solid gold gift of seeing things as they truly are, made of, by, for and with benevolence, the whole thing sewn out of its cloth, we are breathing it, and cloaked in it, we eat it and excrete it and hope only to speak it, live it, because, baby, that's all there is, this is where I have been, and where I want to forever dwell.

I know you have had moments of bliss. I had them early, and often, but not like what I have know the past little bit here. These moments, where your heart just feels like it's gonna stop because you're so choked up, because it hits you hard, that you are loved, it is good, and it changes you, bit by bit, experience after experience.

I want to see through those golden eyes, be that happy and big and aware and loved all the time, and bit by bit, I keep staying in a place that is adjacent.

I always thought ascension was going to be some big aha, light up from the inside out moment, when I turn into light, burn off the bio suit, and come back a light being. And although I think that's the end product, we are nowhere near that now, as individuals, or as a planet. But there are varying degrees of awareness, ever expanding now, ever increasing. It's all there, just for the taking.

I find I inhabit a new place, and that's the puzzle. What I have come to know of this odd, overtaking bliss has been wonderful, and necessary, since I am a doubter, a skeptic, want things very concrete, very literal, very physical. I always tell “them” to dumb it way down, make it funny and gentle and sweet. Make it so I can't miss it.

I give up hope from time to time, get lost in thinking that all is lost, even now. Once in a while, it happens.

And that is the point.

Before, two years before, the reverse was true. The reverse. I weighed so much, was physically miserable, emotionally fragile, afraid all the time, all the time, hating myself so much, so disappointed in how I'd turned out. That was me.

So, it really is about doing it just as often as you can. Making shiny, sparkly moments, self indulgent, compassionate moments the rule. Seek them out. Seek out ways to give to somebody else, even if it's just a word of encouragement. Do it often enough, and you're there more than you're not. Things get easier. You might build in tests, like I did, to see if I could think from the heart, not react in anger or hate, trying to find the good, and it worked.

I think there are some of us who prepared for this. Who can think fluidly, who are not attached to a clock, and who are feeling as if their moorings are finally giving way, as if this big shiny ship is finally ready to make sail, move away from the harbor, discover itself by discovering what is around it, supporting it, feeding and guiding it.

The first day I had a sustained period of clarity, I think the Indians call it samahdi? Was Thanksgiving, 2012. Less than a year.

And the time of comparisons is over. I want to converse with those who have gone where I have gone, and I am willing to admit that I have gone many places, and have good stories to tell about what I have seen, what I continue to see, now more than ever.

Because, you see, I am there, more and more, and there is always, always, always, more.

And there, it is here, on this bed, talking to you, you indulging my love of cigarettes, incense burning, leaf blowers and traffic in the background. Just the sound of typing, and other people's activities.

I'm glad we spent time here together. It was good to see you again. I hope, more than you know, that one fine day, we can do this in person.