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Lately I have moments where if I see a situation that I cannot stand, I feel disgust.
Anger and yes sometimes hate.
The injustices I see around me,I cannot tolerate.
And it is so strong this feeling.

I experienced this last week ,when a loved one was put through pain because others weren't aware of what they were doing.
Didn't think about her,thought about themselves.
The situation became unbearable to me.

I had to say something.
I could not keep quiet when I saw the situation and it was not for the highest good.
I did.
I spoke my truth.
It was not pretty.
I unleashed hate and disgust with my words.
I was hate.
Made all my loved ones aware that I could not stand the situation and it needed to change.

After my explosion...I went inside myself to figure out what was being mirrored to me that was so scary and ugly and disgusting that it made me be the same.
What was the root of the fear within me.
Going within was ugly,for I found many other fears hitching a ride with the BIG fear.

I found it finally, deep in the root of me.
The fear as a woman of being abandoned.
Especially being an old woman and being left unprotected by my loved ones.
And with it came a ton of other fears that had attached to it.
Being abandoned by my beloved,being abandoned by my children,being physically unable to protect myself...

Then came the anguish and the pain that was hiding in there.
The realization once again, of what love is not.
Oh I am so tired of these massive releases, yet at the same time when they happen a part of me is so happy, for I know that after huge releases come better connection with my heart,with my Source,more clarity...

I realized too that I am not ugly and mean and disgusting.
Even though those were the feelings I had, I am not that.
Or at least,maybe that was who I used to be, but I am not anymore.
So I want to let that erroneous aspect of me go.

And so right back I hopped into the loop, understanding that the situation showed itself as a way to let me see me better.
And let all others that were in the situation, see themselves better...
I know,I know for the greatest good of all.

But here is the strange aspect of it.
When I was feeling hate,and disgust and anger...it physically felt awful.
Like my body is not able to be in those emotions.
I felt not myself.

It actually felt as if my body was consuming itself.
I understood why the saying goes..."stress will kill you"
I guess the emotions of stress will kill you too...

So I took one step in front of the other.
First step,I forgave myself.
I know I was not in my heart,centered, but I did the best I could with the information I had at the moment, and within my abilities.
Second step,I asked for forgiveness to those I hurt with my words.
Third step,the only thing I could do, throw love at all of us.
That's all I got.

So I guess I am learning that this new passion within me, this masculine empowerment I feel, can quickly erupt into fire.
Going to have to find that balancing button, because I am in a stage where I feel like a lion, and don't really give a hoot what happens.
It isn't that I wish for conflict,no it is almost like I cannot walk away from an injustice.
And I will address it.
Can't help it.
Throat chakra spinning just fine...
I guess this is part of the new me.
Just gotta figure it out so that I don't just go out in the world and start to kick butt...have to have my heart in there too.

A beautiful friend of mine shared this video with me.
Pretty amazing.
Explains why I felt so ugly when the words were flying...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAvzsjcBtx8

Guess I need to be more aware of my words and the emotions that correspond to them...
Or maybe not.
Maybe how it all played out was perfect.
Just what needed to happen...
All I know is that what happened will never happen again, got that going for me.
It was after all what I was trying to accomplish.
They see it know and are aware.

So when all is said and done I know one thing.
I am human.
I was hurting.
I hurt back,like a cornered animal.
But I also found my heart in the process.
And today I am better.
I forgive myself and them because I see them as me.
All trying to find their way,just like me.
I know I can do better, but at the time,that was my best.
And I accept it.
It was their best too.

Shine Bright my beautiful family.
Know that even in those days when the bright and shiny takes a hit,and looks dark, it is still in there,shining as brightly as ever.
I know it is in there, some days more cloudy than others, but always there.
It is who we are.
Love.

In Light and Love
marie